I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
