so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
