How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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