Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
