Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
