I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
