I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
