i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
