I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
