Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
