Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
