It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
