I'm lost and stupid without you.
I can text with my tongue
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
