i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
