i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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