Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
This baby is an asshole
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
