I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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