He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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