you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Success! We fucked roommates!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
