So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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