Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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