Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
