We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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