he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
