i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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