He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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