i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
