My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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