i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
ok first of all what the fuck
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
