So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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