sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
