Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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