Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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