party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Randomize
