Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
