i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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