20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
