those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
