whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
