The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
