Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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