Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
