guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
