Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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