Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
