I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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