Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I am spending my child support on dildos
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
