wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
