Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
