My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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