apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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