I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
