Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I smell like Dick and happiness
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