i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
